Schools out and so was I
One human being was harmed in the writing of this blog.
Me.
My hangover isn’t that bad. I’m tired but not sick. No headache. However my emotional and mental state feels like I’ve done eight rounds in the ring with Mohammad Ali. I have been beating up on myself up all day. The blows become harder with each round.
Yesterday, I was on an emotional high. My youngest daughter finished school, forever. No more school drop offs, pick ups, lunches, hemming uniforms, washing uniforms, writing notes, writing essays or assignments - at least I got good marks!
No more school fees. Cause for the biggest celebration of all perhaps?
I was so happy and relieved, but also grieving. So many beautiful souls, mostly other parents I’ve met along the way, some who are life long friends, have supported me and my children. We’ve cheered together on the sidelines at netball and basketball, shared cocktails at the parent parties, supervising the teen ‘gatherings’ from the safety of the kitchen. They were beside me through all the times, good and bad. All the fun times like trick or treating, Christmas concerts, book week costumes, art exhibitions, assembly’s, piano recitals and Easter Hat Parades. I love them and loved all this school stuff. I love being a Mum and a part of that, a big part, is ending.
So with this big bag of mixed emotions, I ran with excited adrenaline and acted as though I had just finished my last exam. I went out to a beautiful poolside event which turned into a lovely dinner and that would have been a great fun night. However, when I am in those elevated excited states of emotion I don’t have a stop button. This wild crazy party lady takes over my brain and body with no thought of tomorrow or consequence. If she had an age it would be around 19. She loves music, singing, tequila and everyone. She is spontaneous and dances on bars in heels, just promise me you’ll keep her away from microphones if you ever see her in the wild.
It seems the longer she is hidden away, suppressed and kept quiet, the more explosive and determined she is. Give her an inch and she will take a night. Or two.
Recently, I stopped drinking for five weeks and felt amazing. Clear, confident and motivated. I felt so good that I couldn’t imagine feeling like I do right now. When I am ‘on ye ol wagon’ this head full of regrets is but a distant memory.
Where is my stop button? Faulty model perhaps? Phone a friend. Pick me up at 11? That might do the trick next time.
In spiritual circles there is talk of the ‘shadow side’. It’s the part of you, your personality, you don’t particularly like. The self sabotage part. If you were asked to speak in front of an audience at work, for example, and you were petrified and had a panic attack, you might say your shadow side was your shyness. Or if you fell in love with the most awesome person but then didn’t feel worthy enough so you did something to sabotage the relationship. In my case I’m not sure which is worse, the drinking and having fun or the guilt and shame that follows.
You can’t see your shadow if you are standing in the shade. If you are in the light, there it is.
Always there, unless you are Peter Pan. Interesting to me as I act like a teenager.
So I am bringing my shadow side out of the dark and into the light, just in case you missed my off key rendition of Wham and Whitney last night.
This shadow needs to be put to rest again to allow me to refocus on meditation classes and teaching self love.
They say you teach what you need to learn. I think they are right.
This lady could fall off the wagon again, and the wagon could possibly reverse over her head, but for now, I am going to love that wild child. I’ll give her hot chips, lots of water, a rom com and an early night. I will allow her to feel all of the emotions. I will remind myself there is no right or wrong way, just my way.
Everything will be ok. Tomorrow is another day. I will practice what I preach and teach. Forgive yourself. You are doing the best you can. You did a great job, even when they were late for school.